Who Am I?
‘I wish you to realize the powerful energies and deep force fields that you are in touch with...’ altered the voice from the other side of the tape. My Astrologer recorded his insightful analysis some 10 years ago. ‘The nature of this chart is extremely deep and intense. Your enormous desire for love was influenced by what seems to me to be the really argumentative rather unusually expressed warfare on the home front between your parents. Having to detach from your own body and sense of identity and having to give yourself into the relationship presumably with your dad that in the chart seams to be very loving, very powerful, in some way idealised. Your Sun is placed at the mid-point of your Venus and Mars. This gives you a particular unusual balance which is very fortunate for someone with conscious relationship interest between your muscular and feminine side and somehow the sense of who you are is right in the middle of these lovely & powerful qualities. You are Love and you are a Warrior.
Conscious and Subconscious Learning from a Difficult Childhood
Following my astrologer narative I get strength and clarity to sum the major learnings from this life-cycle.
'A huge test of your will happened very early in your childhood, facing some real issues with domination, with really abusive energies happening at your school and your immediate surrounding. Your extraordinary sensitivity, your appreciation of others and relationships was taken advantage of and you felt the sense of inability to defend yourself. This has led to tremendous determination that this does not happen again this wish to strengthen your will, strengthen your body, control your mind, this Saturn in Arias quality. You have Mars Pluto, Mars Uranus and Mars Saturn, extraordinary powerful energies giving you an ability to fully own and integrate what might have been insulting, horrifying or just outrages experiences in your childhood.
Big issues around health and it is interesting how important you regard your health. Mars in Cancer and Venus in Leo is in some ways a very exciting combination. Your experience of your dad was extremely central and you also picked up on his anger and rage within the family, but most importantly that he was not able to give you the sort of support you needed. However loving he was that was not enough to sort out the extraordinary uncomfortable feelings that you were experiencing around being born into this particular family, he didn’t have time nor skills to get involved into deeper family issues.'
Your experience of home life was split into two, two carers, two mother figures.’
My loving gratitude at this point goes to Mika, our baby-sitter who lived with us taking care of my sister and me for 7 years. She has introduced me to the only book she possessed: A large dictionary of Serbian Folk Magic called: 'Veliki Narodni Sanovnik'. Somehow every household in Serbia at mid of 20th century had the two main books that Mika carried with her from her village: a Large Encyclopaedia of Cooking, and a large Dictionary of Dreams. Learning to read this magical book we read about palmistry, fortune foreseeing through dreams, reading a coffee cup, beans formation, and tarot cards. While the Greek philosophers and Russion writers came to my life from my father’s huge library, Serbian folk magic entered my life when I was 5 thanks to Mika.
Mika never lied, she was a sincere uneducated beautiful woman from a village close to Belgrade. She limped, got her foot crippled by a bullet, a scare for life from her ex-husband, who she left after the abuse, who took her new-born child, the baby died soon after she was forced to leave the house-hold. With her loving simplicity and endless humbleness she managed to somehow postpone my experience of fear and horror that soon came into our awareness as my mum's fears dressed in a shield of a warrior, of an eagle, and a dragon spitting fire and throwing daggers. My mum was not understood by her family. Her father thought that women should get married so she had to hide that she studied to become a teacher. Her fight was a fight of a generation of women who wanted to prove that they can work and raise the family. Endless hours at work as a teacher, a family that needed to be taken care of, an eldest daughter who had a delay in development, a husband who got sick with a terminal illness (diabetes) far too early in the life-cycle, were all too much for her.
My father was one of the youngest judges in Belgrade, beautifully mentally strong, writing books about co-operatives, lecturing and travelling often. A most handsome man, he was targeted by many women who saw an opportunity to charm this powerful, intelligent, young soul. I was too young to meet my mum at the time of her strength, as a beautiful wilful intelligent woman who is just starting a family. I recall her as a woman with many fears personified within screams. She belongs to the generation of women who still believed that raising kids includes the physical punishment. We were bitten many a time first with hands, then with leather belts, then with cloths hangers.
Bigger we were closer to her first nervous break-down she was. One year after Mika left our household, my father officially left to live alone filing for the first time for the divorce. I was around 8. He came back, with not enough strength or courage to push the separation to its end. My memories of home were the memories of screams, hatred, broken hearts, ugly spiteful words exchanged every single day.
My sister could not follow the school normally so my parents decided to make me her ‘special needs assistant’ at the age of 6. It was me who walked with her to school, did her homework, was teaching her maths, build her social life, me who got her weak self-confidence strengthened some many years later.
We were bullied whenever teachers were not looking, me who stood up against the bullying at school: ‘if you hit her I’ll break your nose’ when I was around 11. So the kids, bullies, had to take me to the balcony pretending that they are chatting with me so I wouldn't hear my sister’s screams when they locked her in a bathroom attempting to rape her in the middle of one of the ‘normal’ teenager’s party. My sister was physically punished by our mum every day, constantly abused mentally and emotionally by her school-mates, and the only friend she ever had was me, her younger sister, she related solely to me. The abuse followed her wherever she went and I tried to protect her in the best way I could as a 10 year old who just does not have any support from her home or the teachers at school.
Long after I had a re-occurring dream of one of the bullies, a girl that was the best in class, a natural leader, torturing my sister. She got her fathers needles (he was a doctor) and tried to stick them into her arms. My sister spent two of her first childhood years in various hospitals having a hip operation, so she was extremely sensitive and fearful of doctors. This greatly amused the bullies in our school and they chased her and watched her scream. The event has happened a number of times in the court-yard of our school yard and has entered my dreams for many years to come. Many decades later this beautiful and always clever Sandra now a Psychologist and a mother of two twin-boys called me and ask me can she have a coffee with me when in Malta. I was horrified with the idea that my nightmare is going to ‘talk’ to me in person. Meeting her in ‘love and peace’ took quite a lot of preparation and meditation, yet when she spoke about beautiful times within our primary school, I had to remind her that my experience was the one of horror and bullying and not the one of the good old times. She could not remember any of the bullying. My sister also forgot the bullying, she buried it within the vastness of her sub consciousness, the one that is at the moment incapable of meeting any obstacles, the one that calls for abuse and rape of everything that is her sense of self, within the Shadow World. Only a silent witness (me) knew that the abuse has ever happened and did not want this huge negativity to stay buried within the veil of oblivion and peaceful co-existence with the devils.
At home the relationship between my mum and dad took a different turn. My dad’s diabetes was ugly and wild. He lost his finger, his kidneys, his eyes, his sense of balance, his hearing and yet when the State issued a call for a Supreme Court Judge with his Phd in Law and 30 books he has written, he was mortally offended that they refused to give him the posting because of his health. With now almost crazy mum, with a sister that is totally socially withdrawn and physically and emotionally incapable of handling a smallest problem, I took on the nursing of my now dying father. For five years onwards, I spent day after day of my early 20-ties in various hospitals, cleaning his wounds, his vomit, helping him walk, read, eat.
At times I would find my mum and dad engrossed in a fight that would leave him in a diabetic coma and her in a senseless state in the middle of our 55sqm apartment. An ambulant would come to give him an insulin injection taking him out of coma and give her another one to relax her and put her to sleep. Truly, truly this is a scene from my life, not an invented scene that one sees in a cheap horror movie.
When the time came to choose the secondary school, my parents decided to ignore my expressed wish to study archaeology, enrolling me in an administrative school with my sister so she can finish her secondary education and get a job in a post-office. Abandoning my dreams of studying philosophy, immersing into the most beloved mystical and mental work of archaeology, following my sister through the secondary school was deeply painful. Today experiencing the beauty of motherhood and observing my kids grow I find it extremely difficult to phantom how any parent can do a ‘sacrifice’ of this sort to his or her child.
At the age of 16 reading many books of Dostoyevsky I was more than ready to kill myself. Unhappy at school, unhappy within the family, my body was frequently ill, I was weak and feeble, ready to leave this ‘nightmarish’ reality where no-one takes the charge of one’s own life, where abusers and victims are so profoundly drawn on a campus of life, where the life force is sick from the selfishness and ego-centrism of people involved, where there is a profound lack of Peace and Divine Beauty.
That was the point in my Life when I for the first time met the Lady Meditation. Guided by the forces higher than my-Self I was given Hesse to read, meditating for hours every night visualising the game of glass pearls, I took a journey towards God having no clue that I was truly saved from Death that was hidden under my pillow. Hours after hours of prayers, of concentration, of detachment from what I am experiencing toward ‘Who I Am’ towards the centre of my Being, toward Love as Divine quality, towards writing, toward my Soul, endlessly circling towards God.
Forgiving my mum, loving my family, becoming kindness, Love became the most precious mirracle in my Life, the real mirracle that transformed my Mind. My childhood allowed me to enter this amazing journey with a constant drive to understand, to experience Love as Divine Force, to Be the Instrument and Holy Mad-Woman that loves to champion the change towards Consciousness, Awareness and Bliss.
Aurobindo Spiritual Quotes
'I had no urge toward spirituality in me, I developed spirituality. I was incapable of understanding metaphysics, I developed into a philosopher. I had no eye for painting -- I developed it by Yoga. I transformed my nature from what it was to what it was not. I did it by a special manner, not by a miracle and I did it to show what could be done and how it could be done. I did not do it out of any personal necessity of my own or by a miracle without any process. I say that if it is not so, then my Yoga is useless and my life was a mistake -- a mere absurd freak of Nature without meaning or consequence. You all seem to think it a great compliment to me to say that what I have done has no meaning for anybody except myself -- it is the most damaging criticism on my work that could be made. I also did not do it by myself, if you mean by myself the Aurobindo that was. He did it by the help of Krishna and the Divine Shakti. I had help from human sources also. '
Aurobindo about Who Am I?
Krishnamurti Spiritual Quotes
'What am I? I am a result; I am the result of the past, of innumerable layers of the past, of a series of causes-effects. And how can I be opposed to the whole, the past, when I am the result of all that? If I, who am the mass, the whole, if I do not understand myself, not only what is outside my skin, objectively, but subjectively, inside the skin, how can I understand another, the world? To understand oneself requires kindly and tolerant detachment. If you do not understand yourself, you will not understand anything else; you may have great ideals, beliefs, and formulations, but they will have no reality. They will be delusions. So you must know yourself to understand the present and through the present, the past. From the known present, the hidden layers of the past are discovered and this discovery is liberating and creative.'
Krishnamurti What am I?
'What does it mean to have a mind that is living in the present and has no problems? Does it mean that it is totally asleep, or totally awake? Wait a bit! What does it mean to be totally awake?
I want to find out whether I am deceiving myself. I want to find out whether my living is so verbal that when I say,'Well, I just live so completely in the moment ', this is a form of self-hypnosis. I may be creating the illusion that I am living totally in the now, in the moment; but actually I may be very dull, and have no sensitivity to anything that is happening, not only within the moment, but round it...
Each one of us, each human being, is the result of time - 2 million years, more or less - and he has a lot of history behind him; not only factual history, but fictitious history, communal history, the story of his fathers, his mothers, his traditions, all that he is. That story has a life of its own, a tremendous life, the unconscious, the past. The conscious mind also has its own activities - going to the office every day, following a certain routine, a certain pattern. So there is a hiatus, a division between that immense, unexplored part, and the casual living of daily conscious life. That is what is taking place in each one of us. Each has a movement of its own; each has its own life, drive, purpose, fear, anxiety and despair. Can this division be done away with, so that it is one movement, and not contradictory movements? This means a total consciousness of the past and the present, not a fragmentary past and a fragmentary present.'
'A mind that is totally sensitive has no movement at all. Such a mind has no time; it is the essence of time, but it has no time. That is the now. That means living in compete emptiness, an emptiness that is tremendously active; because the mind has not just gone to sleep and become empty, like an empty cup; the mind is empty because it has no movement.'
Krishnamurti: Who am I and Living in a Present Moment
Yogananda Spiritual Poem
You may control a mad elephant;
You may shut the mouth of the bear and the tiger;
Ride the lion and play with the cobra;
By alchemy you may learn your livelihood;
You may wander through the universe incognito;
Make vassals of the gods; be ever youthful;
You may walk in water and live in fire;
But control of the mind is better and more difficult.'
Yogananda about Mind and Mad Elephant
Alchemy of Love and Who am I?
The purpose of life is the evolution of consciousness. Spiritual awakening offers life in the state of joy. Bliss / Ananda. If we learn to listen to our souls we can consciously choose to be joyful or sad, peaceful or loving, alert or relaxed.